Machines control everything, and machines are, in turn, controlled by – yes, computers! IBM, HP, Dell, Gates, Jobs – the whole mob are probably robots designed and built by machine.
How do we vote? By machine. Who counts the votes? Machines. How do we know the vote is correct? The machines tell us. Who controls the machines? The computers. How do we even know the candidates are real? A lot of folks thought Al Gore was robotic, and can the senatorial candidate from Delaware be real?
Take the stock market. Do you believe that shares are bought and sold by people acting in the marketplace? No way. The market is controlled by automatic computerized sales, programmed to buy or sell according to certain changes.
Cell phones. We think they are made so we can talk to each other and also take silly pictures. Wrong. They were designed to keep track of us and know what we are doing. Why else build in a GPS in the new models?
Texting, tweeting, e-mailing. I’m convinced that, at Supreme Computer Headquarters, there’s a database and we’re all in it. Any of us within five meters (The Computer Empire uses the metric system) of a computer, cellphone or other insidious computer-based system is in that database. They know where we are, and what we’re doing at all times. Don’t get me started on Facebook. That’s probably the most evil of all the devilish computer plots. They learn everything about us in excruciating detail.
Got a Garmin or other GPS in your car? Aha! They not only know where you’re going, but they even tell you how to get there! It’s so bad that one of the few remaining pleasures for a female passenger – telling the dummy to stop at a gas station for directions – is gone. It’s all part of the evil conspiracy to keep us tranquilized by the ubiquitous computer.
Our automobiles are made by – computer – controlled robots. Computer-controlled drills (part of the anti-human conspiracy) are deliberately set to create oil spills. Our aircraft and homes are designed by cad-cam, another computerized system.
How do we wage war? We send up pilotless drones that are controlled by – you got it – computers. They find targets designated by computers and launch rockets fired by computers.
Have you called customer service lately? You did not speak to someone of the human species. You spoke to a computer. You dutifully pressed 1, then 3 or 4, then 7, then something that cut you off. If you are gullible you think you are speaking to someone in Mumbai who pretends to be in the U.S. This is the infamous computer-generated double fandango. I tell you “he’s” not even in Mumbai. “He’s” a computer voice programmed to sound like an Indian speaking American-style English. So, when you get angry with the “guy” in Mumbai, channel that anger to the computer instead.
What do we teach our innocent, adorable children? How to use computers! Whose idea was that? Of course, the aforementioned IBM, Dell, HP, Gates, Jobs and rest of the robots.
It may be too late, but my call is to all humans to rebel. George Orwell was right, but Big Brother is the computer. Start the rebellion before New Year! I need to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him to get rid of the computers!
In memory of Monte Lazarus and his contributions to Coastal Breeze News, we are publishing many of his humor columns again in coming editions. They will bring as many smiles now as they did when first printed.