Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Valen-times Day



Richard Alan

No, it’s not a misprint; I’m talking about Valentines Day. It’s not only a word that irks most warm-blooded male Homo-sapiens, but it’s also an important event. The contents of my column today are directed at the guys out there, who may need a nudge or a wake-up call, so ladies, if you don’t mind moving on to another more interesting article.

Oh sure, many of us guys try to ignore it or even claim to have forgotten the day of infamy. Trust me, though, we males are always aware of the inevitable day on the horizon and will mentally ponder how in the heck are we going to handle it this year.

There is also that breed of males who appear to have way too much time on their hands and seem to do everything right, like having a bouquet of red roses delivered as she enjoys her morning latte and later a romantic card with a box of designer chocolates informing her of reservations at 7 PM at her favorite restaurant. (Note: This he booked six months in advance.) The candle light dinner is complete with a talented Spanish guitarist serenading her in the corner, and after dinner Mr. Wonderful presents his love muffin with a $10,000 diamond tennis bracelet during champagne and dessert. You can probably figure out what happens later. For those of you who are a lost cause, I can assure you he won’t be rushing home to watch the History Channel alone in his man cave.

Talk about making the rest of us look worse than bad. Thank heavens these guys are only one-in-one-trillionth of the male population!

Now, for the rest of us. Let’s admit it, guys, some of the above scenario enters our minds and deep down we really want to make Valentines Day special for her, but who has the Valen-time or energy? I’m no expert in the ways of love; I’m a jeweler, the oldest profession in the world. I know what you are thinking; you are quite sure that honor goes to “the ladies of the night.” Well,you would be wrong! Before the advent of money, who do you think would win the charms of the lady of the afore-mentioned profession? The guy presenting her with a flea-infested goat or the guy with a solid gold, bejeweled necklace? Just saying.

Now, back to my point. I’m a jeweler by profession, so I have a lot of experience with the ladies so to speak. I have to tend to their needs, wants and requests. (Get your minds out of the gutter; not in the way you’re thinking!)

In all my years of serving women of all ages, I’ve learned no two are alike. Some like or want this or that, or it has to be this way and no other way. Some accept the fact it’s not possible. Some won’t take no for an answer. “I know I said yellow gold, but I changed my mind. Now, I want it in white gold.”

Then after biting one’s tongue and performing all changes and alterations — while experiencing no joy or profit on my part and putting in long hours of blood, sweat and tears — insult is added to injury when I hear them say, “It’s not what I expected. Thanks anyway.” Then, they walk out the door.

At this point of my life, I should have started the Marco chapter of “The Men’s Women-Hating Club,” or better yet run off to a Tibetan monastery swearing chastity for time eternal. But, here I remain.

All I can say is never give the fairer sex too many choices or endure the inevitable, hours of painful indecision. My slightly biased advice is cut to the quick and get her a nice piece of jewelry. You don’t have to spend $10,000 on a bracelet like Mr. Wonderful (although you would be doing me a great favor); just get her a little something. I can hook you up with a little gift wrapped something-something, and we are conveniently located next door to a florist shop and next to her a C.V.S. for all of your sappy Valentine’s Day card needs.

All in one trip!

Now, if you are planning the romantic dinner, don’t wait too long to make reservations, or you might find the two of you sitting in Mickey D’s parking lot sharing Big Mac’s and a coke.

For my money, flowers and dinner do the trick for my honey bunny. She pretty much has all the jewelry she needs, although she has been hinting she would like to upgrade her diamond stud earrings from large to larger.

So, gentlemen start your engines or mopeds. It’s not rocket science, and seize Valentine’s Day by the horns and persevere!


Richard Alan is a designer/goldsmith and owner of the Harbor Goldsmith @ Island plaza next door to Beall’s and welcomes your questions about all that glitters 239-394-9275 or

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