Friday, October 22, 2021

So You’re Going to College!



By Monte Lazarus

In memory of Monte Lazarus and his contributions to Coastal Breeze News, we are publishing many of his humor columns again in coming editions. They will bring as many smiles now as they did when first printed. Enjoy!



Something like this conversation is taking place every day…

Daughter: Great news Dad. I got accepted at the college I want!

Dad: Where’s that? And how much?

Daughter: It’s that small school in Arizona, and the tuition is only $35,000 a year.

Dad: Gulp. Arizona? Will they let you in the state? They’re very strict on immigrants.

Daughter: Dad, we’re Americans. We just live in Puerto Rico.

Dad: That’s the problem. They may think you’re an illegal immigrant.

Daughter: It’s ok. I checked. All I need is a notarized birth certificate in triplicate, and a letter from a judge stating that I’m a natural born American citizen. I’m like not sure about naturalized citizens.

Dad: But, you don’t own a gun. I thought you had to be a certified gun owner in Arizona.

Daughter: Nope. I just have to like take the required freshman course in weaponology and pass the gun range test.

Dad: That’s a relief. Now, about the cost…

Daughter: Dad, I told you. The tuition’s only like $35,000 a year.

Dad: What about room and board?

Daughter: Peanuts. $17,500, but it includes like two meals, except on weekends.

Dad: OMG (he’s a tweeter)! Books must be another $200?

Daughter: Dad, you’re so totally 50’s. We need like 12 books, and they’re about $150 each.

Dad: Oh boy. We’re now at a big second mortgage.

Daughter: What’s a mortgage? Is that like a loan?

Dad: It’s more like a pact with the devil. Whew…for all of that what will you major in…something to make some money after the big investment I hope?

Daughter: I’m thinking about like Cultural Anthropology. It sounds totally cool, and my friends said that the instructor’s a hunk.

Dad: I’m delighted you have your priorities straight.

Daughter: I’m like totally glad you’re so with my plan, and so cool with it.

Dad: It’s easy. Mom and I decided that there are worse things than becoming beachcombers in Puerto Rico. I just hope they have big scholarships in Arizona!

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