Monday, November 29, 2021

Sir Richard…The Bridezilla Slayer II



Richard Alan

Folks have been walking in the shop and stopping me on the island laughing about my last article where I mentioned public enemy #1…The Bridezilla.

They can sometimes be easily slayed with the reality of the actual price tag, yet woe and behold when that merely bounces off her armored scales, and then I am told money is no object; much to the surprise to the groom to be and future in-laws. There is no amount of money in the world they could pay me to subject myself to the insanity.

As I mentioned in my last article, I can smell a Bridezilla as they walk in the door and my adrenaline starts pumping into every fiber in my body, my main objective is get to get her and her entourage out of the store and back out in the street where she will eventually be subdued by giant nets dropped from U.S. Army helicopters and carried away to Naples and beyond.

Her wrath and fury is never easily forgotten, which reminds me of another Bridezilla I once slayed with my wife’s assistance I’ll call her “Lois” . This particular Zilla had already been fired by me and told by one of my staff to come and reclaim her deposit because I had already had it with her and subsequent hissy fits, counter banging and foot stomping not to mention constant design changes, I told her nicely that I was done, gave her back her deposit and now she should find another hapless goldsmith. The staff was instructed not to forward any of her calls to me.

She called day after day requesting to speak with me, (I was still recovering from doing battle with her, no way!)

Here’s where it got pear shaped, my wife who happened to breeze in the shop was ignorant of the plot to deflect any future destruction and picked up the ringing phone when Lois called…OMG!

Totally unaware of the situation, my wife Andrea put her on hold to investigate her hopeless demands… big mistake! I told her she was a vicious Bridezilla, Andrea then chastised all of us for our lack of professionalism, and never to forget the old saying “One always has to be nice to the customers who are always right.” When my wife got back to her, Lois was belching flames at her over the phone, during the scorching lambasting the call was interrupted by an important call concerning Andrea’s grandmother who was hospitalized and in serious condition in Europe and she put Lois on hold yet again??? Someone call in the National Guard! When Andrea got back to Lois it got more than ugly, the Zilla called her every nasty name in the book including the fact that she couldn’t give a rat’s derriere about her sick grandmother’s condition.

O.K. wait for it…That was the final button pressed; Andrea has now gone into DEFCON -5 or Totally Nuclear! Lois meet Andrea who is now in a very, very bad mood.

You think the battle between Godzilla vs. King Kong was Epic… that was puppy play; we have never seen a hide or hair of Lois after my wife got through with her.

A special notch on my sword was “Kendra” still not quite twenty years old but knew all about everything. She learned it all on the internet. Kendra was my first South Floridian Bridezilla.

I was blindsided by the apparently sweet and calculating beast. I actually got past the engagement ring and wedding bands with my skull and spine intact. (Many a bridezilla collect them as souvenirs.) It seemed like smooth sailing until the morning of the wedding.

There is nothing more bone chilling than a bridezilla impatiently waiting at your door before you open up in the morning.

Apparently there are now second thoughts about the style of the groom’s wedding band and hers once again no longer fits properly, I mentioned to her the future Ex told me he loved that ring without question, besides they are already engraved with the wedding date and “I Love You Forever”.

I had a suspicion Prince Charming had no idea about her change up, I was correct; I couldn’t control myself any longer! “Kendra! You’re getting married in six hours! Has the cheese completely slipped off your cracker! I’m not redesigning his wedding band nor am I re-sizing your ring for the third time! Wedding rings rarely fit perfect on the wedding day, nerves, anxiety (especially this poor groom!) cause swollen ring fingers. I told her to put a little Vaseline in the ring it will slide on easily. End of story. I cringed awaiting her reaction; miraculously I was rescued by an obviously mauled but surviving Maid of Honor who rushed her out to have her claws manicured.

I never knew the outcome of that marriage; I was told they moved off to some dormant volcano in Tennessee somewhere.

Last but not least (As far as this article is concerned) was “Michele”.

There was no pleasing this Zilla, everything had to be done in platinum and it was all very expensive, even when her wedding ring was finished it was never the right finger size from one day to the next, honestly I never touched the ring because two days later it would fit perfectly. Of course I never told her that. That act of deceiving the beast would come back and bite me on the derriere.

What happened next one afternoon was monumental; she read somewhere that when a ring is sized up, the metal, in this case platinum is added to the ring to enlarge it. Which to her meant, (Now try to follow this wing nut’s beliefs?)

“You destroyed the sanctity and rhythm of our love by breaking the circle when you sized the ring with non-compatible platinum from another ring!” I want an all new ring!!!

Are you freaking kidding me? I was flabbergasted; this had to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in this world.

I told her I would be happy to make her another ring when she is finished paying for the one on her hand, and the new one will not be free. (Unknown to her, her prince still owed me a large balance.)

Leave it to me to throw gas on the fire, I told this fuming Zilla, I never cut the ring because; I never sized it in the first place. She refused to believe me.

As she tried to process this perfect storm of information it looked as if her head would explode. She left the store ranting and raving and even kicked my poor plastic fichus plant on the way out. I never saw her again. Good riddance.


Richard Alan is a designer/goldsmith and owner of the Harbor Goldsmith on Marco Island @ Island Plaza next to Beall’s. Although still licking his wounds, he welcomes your questions about “all that glitters” and please see our new web site


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