Saturday, November 27, 2021

Q&A with Simba



This column is the opinion of a 3 year old African Grey Parrot named “Simba” who has an extremely high intelligence level. While he does not possess a degree from any college or university, he does have a strong opinion of himself and feels that he is the best candidate to answer the complex questions of today’s discerning pets…and the humans they own…

Dear Simba,

Recently I have acquired a multitude of plush, floppy, shaggy things with bells and tassels. My human calls them “toys”. While I appreciate his gesture, I’m a cat and I don’t do plush, floppy, shaggy, bell ringing, tassel things. All I want to do is sleep, eat and use the dining room chairs as scratching posts. I am quite content at that.

For some reason though, every time I am enjoying my expensive scratching posts, I get a squirt of water at me. This is usually followed by a “No! Bad cat!” I just don’t understand, I’m quite content with the choice of my scratching posts. I don’t need expensive “toys” to satisfy my contentment. How do I make my human understand that the dining room chairs are quite sufficient?

Signed, Cat Scratch Fever


Dear Scratch,

REALLY! SERIOUSLY! You’re kidding me, right? The dining room chairs? Dude, I would heed water squirting and the “No! Bad cat” warning. Continuing on the path you’re on will just wind you up at the vet’s office getting de-clawed! Not all of us pets (and superstars!) need the bells and whistles when it comes to toys and contentment. But I would stop the act of violence on the dining room chairs.

My Blue and Gold Macaw sister, Kacey, is not one for expensive, bell ringing, flashy toys. She loves brown paper bags and plastic water bottles (I know…she’s strange). Our human grandfather goes grocery shopping every week and brings her home seven paper bags. One for everyday of the week. Our human puts treats in the bags and puts the bag at the bottom of the cage…she goes insane with contentment for a couple of hours. She gets her treats and she shreds the bag.

I personally can understand the water squirting, but I’m an African Grey…I learn more quickly than other animals. I usually sit on the back of the chair my human sits in and dictate my column to her (I’m a bird with wings…typing with my feet takes too long). One day I decided to “taste” the chair (Yeah…that didn’t go over well). I was promptly put back in my cage with a “Bad Bird” comment. This happened a few times and I finally realized that if I wanted to have any say as to what my column was about, I would have to stop “tasting” the back of the chair. So now I just groom her hair while we work and I am able to hang out and monitor her better.

There are two morals to this. The first one is heed a warning sign when it’s squirted at you. The second one is sometimes the best contentment can come from the most simple things in life.

Fondly, Simba

Simba is owned by Christina Giordano. If you have any questions you would like Simba to answer, please email them to: Ask

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