Sunday, October 24, 2021

Q&A with Simba



This column is the opinion of a 3-year-old African Grey Parrot named “Simba” who has an extremely high intelligence level. While he does not possess a degree from any college or university, he does have a strong opinion of himself and feels that he is the best candidate to answer the complex questions of today’s discerning pets…and the humans they own…

Dear Simba,

Greetings and salutations from the land down under! Please excuse the water droplets on my letter. I am a Rainbow Guppie and when it comes to typing an email on a computer I’d rather not…water and electronics just do not mix.

My dilemma at hand seems to be this creature that has just entered our household.  It’s a vile thing in my opinion. It’s covered with fur, has an extremely long tail, and four legs. My humans have named it “Oliver.” A proper Aussie/British name and I believe the species to be what they call a “Cat.”

My problem with this “Oliver Cat” is that frequently he enjoys a good hardy drink out of my habitat. Pawing at the water in my bowl and making enormous waves.  I’m a pretty good surfer so for the most part I can Hang-10. However, when he starts slurping my house away…it tends to be annoying. My humans go out for the day and by the time they get back, half of my habitat has been splashed out or is conveniently in the belly of this…this….”Oliver Cat.” Is there any advice I may give to my humans to get this “Oliver Cat” to stop drinking from my bowl?

Signed, Fearing a drought in Ozland

Dear Ozland,

Greetings to you as well from the good ole USA! Glad you didn’t use the computer to send an email…although I’m sure it would’ve been an electrifying experience for you.

Cats! (shivering) They are quite intelligent creatures with a character that is very unique. They strut around like they own the place and as long as they get fed they are happy. The habitat slurping has me a little worried for you though. Although your “Oliver Cat” is probably just playing with water and enjoying quenching his thirst, this could be a problem if he ever realizes that you are actually in the bowl. I know you probably enjoy being around the center of the household but maybe to extend the life of your habitat and consequently yourself, I would suggest to your humans to place your house in an area where “Oliver” cannot access it. This would be the logical solution. If you and your habitat happen to be the centerpiece on a table or part of the décor of the human house then putting a screen on top of your bowl would be a bit more flattering.

I hope these options help you out. I feel for you as us birds don’t really have the desire to make friends with a cat either. They find us a bit too tasty. Take care and keep hanging-10! If your humans respond to you positively you have nothing to worry about…it can’t get much worse…unless you find yourself sharing a Cichlid tank!

Fondly, Simba


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