Thursday, October 28, 2021

How to be a Party Animal

TWJ wakes up after a RUFF night. PHOTO BY RANDALL JONES

TWJ wakes up after a RUFF night. PHOTO BY RANDALL JONES


As we all know, the pop culture term used to describe one who is exceptionally adept at having a good time is “party animal”—not “party human.”

And there’s a reason for this, people.

Of course, this also explains why so many of my bi-ped readers write for advice on how to host elaborate soirees, survive an afternoon with 27 screaming 5-year-olds at Chuck E. Cheese, and/or entertain visiting dignitaries.

I certainly hope my personal response was helpful to you, Mrs. Obama.

Basically, human party-planning problems can be fixed using the KISS theory: keep it simple, stupid.

When well-socialized pups get together, we always have a good time regardless of the theme, dress code, or time of day. As a matter of fact, the only theme necessary for the invitation is “well-socialized pups get-together.” Pretty simple, huh?

Of course, critical to the success of any gathering is one’s ability to be a good host.

At the Marco Dog Park, all of this is done with the simple sniff of the rear. However, as this timesaving custom hasn’t found its way into human social circles, you people have to work a tad harder getting to know each other. Frankly, not my problem.

Plus, dogs are pretty happy any time food is involved. Just throw us a bone, figuratively or literally, and we’re pretty much ready to go.

Once again, the less-evolved human species views food selection with way too much pomp and circumstance. Words like “variety,” “presentation,” and “peanut allergy” always seem to get in the way of the enjoyment of the actual chow.

Though you adults may thumb your nose at a dog’s somewhat nondiscriminatory methods of food consumption, I have yet to meet a toddler who isn’t more than willing to eat food right off the floor.

Yet you bi-peds still claim to get smarter as you get older.

What’s more, it appears that human attendees at any given soiree are expected to remain awake the entire time. Seriously people—take a lesson from the canines: curl up in the corner for a few hours and give it a rest. This may ultimately save you from accidentally performing an embarrassingly bad Karaoke version of “Love Shack” later in the evening.

Remember, once YouTube has it, it’s out there forever.

Now let us segue into the selection and serving of spirits.

I have personally witnessed the effects of alcohol consumption on the human species in my home many, many times. (See “Love Shack” reference above).

Frankly, I’m not sure I understand the attraction as the type of “spirit” generated by too much Jägermeister is typically more “lavatory” than “celebratory” in nature.

And perhaps if my humans were to employ a better method of Pinot Grigio selection than to choose the bottles with the prettiest labels, the outcome of some of our get-togethers would be a tad less dramatic.

Don’t laugh. This really is how wine is chosen in my household—and it actually seems to work well with the exception of the time my humans unwittingly served their guests Extra Virgin Olive Oil instead of Chardonnay.

There are images from that day I will never get out of my mind….

That being said, I have often considered dumping the remnants of a Budweiser keg in my dog bowl at 2AM on party night just to see how many of the remaining Neanderthals would be desperate enough to lap it up from an awkward-yet-effective modified prone position.

Kind of gives new meaning to “the hair of the dog,” now doesn’t it?

As for you humans who still want to be a true Party Animal: when all is said and done, we pups simply know how to have a good time in any situation. You’ll even find proof in the human lexicon. Should the party go well, one will always be “dog tired” the next day—guaranteed.

More questions on life, love or libations? Write me at





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